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What Am I Doing?

by on April 20, 2015

“What am I doing…”

I ask that question a lot lately, and for whatever reason I’ve gotten stuck in the pattern of answering it with Drake lyrics. There’s a lot of stuff in this business that will make you feel like you have a case of the Mondays everyday, and it will make you ask why you even bother.

“What am I doing?”

I ask myself that when I hand out ARCs no one reads. I ask that when I get passed over for NYT bestselling so-and-so. I ask that when I stare at a blinking cursor taunting me with my potential yet unfulfilled. I ask that when someone expects to read one thing from me and gets another.

And what’s my answer?

“Oh yeah, that’s right, I’m doing me.”

It’s what I say to myself when I ask why I’m being professional in the face of unprofessionalism. It’s what I say when people expect me to write the same book over and over because they liked my first one. It’s what I say when people expect the next book to be better and different because the last one sucked in their opinion. It’s what I say when people wave me off.

I’m doing me. And what else could I expect from myself but the best I have to offer as ME. I never set out to be the most commercial of commercial successes. I published my work mostly by accident, and I wrote the stories I did because I wanted to read them. Everything else is supposed to be a cherry on top, but sometimes those cherries are so sour you ask yourself what you’re doing. What’s the point? You can’t make everyone happy, you can’t make everyone treat you the way they would treat an NYT bestseller. So what can I do?

“What am I doing?”

I’m writing. I’m writing for me and sharing with people in the hopes they will like it. I’m keeping track of the people who do what they say they’ll do, regardless of if I’m on someone’s list. I’m staying grateful for those that like my work and tell me so, for those that show support and put the word out there. I’m grateful I have plenty of stories in me to write, and I’m going to put them all out there. I’m carving out a place for myself and doing me, getting better, and reminding myself that I’m doing what makes me happy. I’m doing me.

“And this what I’ma do till it’s over. Till it’s over.

But it’s far from over…”

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4 Comments
  1. Cydni permalink

    You’re doing great, because you HAVE published so many of us (myself included) never have. You’ve taken that step,not once, but twice and beyond. That’s a huge accomplishment. People have read and bought your book. Some have had glowing things to say, others not so much. Yes you’re doing you and I think you’re doing just fine. Have a great Monday!

    • kaiabennett permalink

      Thank you Cydni!! I truly am grateful. I hope this post shows anyone who asks themselves that question, whether you’re published or on your way there, that the answer is “I’m doing me” and that’s enough. That’s more than enough. We just need to keep working and plugging away, and be ourselves. Thanks for reading and keep me updated when you get ready to publish! 🙂

  2. I loved this post. I could relate in so many ways. Keep doing you. You’ll most likely be miserable being anybody else.

    • kaiabennett permalink

      Thanks for reading, Capri! And yes, it’s better to be ourselves, the upkeep is easier, lol.

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